The truth about cheating ...

Can giving a man more attention stop him from cheating?

Posted by Kristina Sauerwein in Behavior, Divorce, Books, Dads, Sex and Relationships | September 19th, 2008 | Trackback

If you’re an Oprah watcher, you’ve probably been following the commontion over M. Gary Neuman’s controversial book, “The Truth About Cheating,” in which the rabbi and psychological expert on families, divorce and relationships offers this as one of the main reasons why a man cheats on his partner: They don’t get enough attention.
And by attention, we’re talking about pats on the back for the things they do. Not just the above-and-beyond things but everyday things, such as going to work.
The claim has angered many viewers, some of whom think Mr. Neuman is making excuses for cheating men. Some believe that men cheat because they just want sex. Other women are offended: With all that goes on in our busy lives, now we’re being told we have to baby our men by coddling his ego? And what about us? Goodness knows, we do so many things that go unrecognized by our loved ones. Can’t men–as the now-popular phrase goes–just “grow a pair,” in that they decided to get married and have kids and, yes, it can be rough but deal?
Honestly, I can see both sides. I don’t think a man’s cheating should be excused. And if he has problems with not feeling appreciated, then he needs to step up and work it out with his wife, even if that means going to counseling, which some men oppose.
Also, the last thing I want to add to my to-do list is to praise my husband for every little thing. Is that mean? Kinda. But I feel like I do praise him and appreciate him–and I’m exhausted and juggling a zillion things at once, too, and I would like little praise now and then. My husband, I’m sure, would say he does appreciate me and he would like more acknowledgment for the things he does. Seriously, most of our arguments boil down to one of us not feeling appreciated.
But as Mr. Neuman advised on Orpah: Just start appreciating your spouse more and, most likely, you’ll get it back. So that’s what I’m going to start doing.
Also, Mr. Neuman’s stance on Orpah was that he wasn’t excusing men; he was just providing insight to infidelity based on his research. And with more information, comes power for men and women to tackle a marital hurdle with the hopes of heading off divorce.
Meanwhile, what do you think about this issue? Are we excusing a man’s cheating ways? Or do we need to appreciate our guys more? And if so, how can we do that? Any men out there who’d like to weigh in? Anyone who’s cheated or been cheated on have any insight?


1. Lisa Z Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Well, I believe he has a point. I know from experience that cheating equalled not enough attention. It had not gotten physical, but it was still a blow. DH & I sat down, talked & he said the reason it started was she paid attention to him. It was a shock to me. He explained it as part of an idenity crisis, here was someone who saw him as a man plain and simple, not a father or husband but a man. I can relate on that.. Don’t we all have to adjust to our new roles? It’s hard and I don’t excuse his behaivor and we are working hard to repair this tear in our marriage.

2. Sprite's Keeper Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
It’s fine to look into the sources behind cheating, the why’s and such. But excusing it? A big emphatic no. This should go for both men and women. I can only imagine the divorce lawyers getting an upsurge with this as a defense for infidelity.

3. polemama Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
I sort of think that he has a point, but in no way see this an excuse for stepping outside of your relationship (for men or women). We all need some sort of validation sometimes and our spouses tend to take a backseat to the kids, the house, the job and all the juggling we do to try to keep things balanced. And we’re all trying to live up to that super mommy role we’re bombarded with from the time we see that first positive pregnancy test, no pressure there :). It’s easy to get off track and stop acknowledging each others efforts and get caught up in one-upping each other.
DH and I have had some bumps in the road and when things got really sh!tty we sat down and took a good look at our issues and all the reasons we had to work it out. Our big issues were all so petty. We both made some changes and we now take more time to appreciate what the other offers to the equation. We take the time to say thanks to each other instead of assuming that the other person knows we appreciate what’s being done. Pretty simple and it does make a difference, plus it’s good for the kids to see us working as a team instead of just grinding our way through the day.

4. Nicole Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
There is probably more involved in cheating, like not loving your spouce, not being happy with the relationship. I do recognize my husbands help around the house, or involvment with kids especially when it is unexpected or if I have been really busy with work. But really, many women (myself included) work full time, take care of the house and kids, and get little from our husbands except “i have no clean socks”. And we dont turn to cheating. Everyone wants to be appreciated, but that is mostly a poor excuse for cheating.

5. Jackie Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I can see how not enough attention would lead to cheating. Some days I get annoyed that all I can contribute to a conversation with my husband is what our daughter did during the day. I try to read interesting articles and talk with friends so that we can have interesting conversations together and feel like we are connecting on a level besides being parents. That’s the kind of attention that benefits both of us.

6. Jenny Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I think it goes both ways with the attention thing. I definitely know some women who absolutely crave attention and I think if their spouse wasn’t giving them enough, they would definitely go somewhere else to find it. I think its the same for some men. SOME women and SOME men. I don’t think ALL people are going to cheat despite what the statistics say. Is it possible? Yes..however I think people put themselves in situations that can lead to cheating. It starts of platonic, moves into sharing secrets, then before you know it romance kicks in. I think spending time together with the family, as well as a couple nights out when you get the chance is good for couples. Life gets busy and people don’t always think to say thank you..but I think surprising that someone every once in awhile and making sure you tell them you love them is a great way of giving attention, as is just chilling out and spending quality time with one another. All in all I think some people just have those personalities/traits that will lead them to cheating much faster then others.

7. Lindsay Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
This whole subject is very upsetting to me. I hit the ground running at 6 am taking care of the kids and getting them ready for daycare since my husband has already gone to work. Then I go to my full time 9am-6pm job to help make ends meet, and then I get home in time to help with dinner, bathes, and bedtime. By the time 8:30 rolls around I have very little energy and no “me time”. I feel like I have spent all day meeting everyone else’s demands and needs. Then my husband wants me to start paying attention to him and meeting his needs. It makes me feel like I am not allowed to every have my own needs (i.e time to relax) met and now they are saying it could be my fault if he cheats? How are women suppose to be everything to everyone. It is just extremely frustrating.

8. Dee Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’m not sure about this I didn’t see the episode of Oprah or read the book I’m sure there is valid research that led to this conclusion. I definitely identify with Nicole. When my husband says I have no clean socks I just want to punch him in the face. I definitely identify with Lindsay as well. But I can see the value of trying to appreciate each other being good for a marriage in both directions. I think we could say on some level that makes sense and is a no brainer, but to be told to purposefully put it on the “to do” list I don’t know.

9. Stacey Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
There is no excuse for cheating!! However, men are presented with temptation from every angle in our culture. There is no shame in being tempted, only in GIVING IN to the temptation, whether in thought or deed. So… if there is some way I can help alleviate the temptaion for my husband, I think I had better do it. If he cheats on me, that is HIS wrongdoing. But, I think that if I am neglecting his needs, I am doing wrong to him, too. If my husband ever cheats on me, I want to know that I did all I could to meet his needs.
I want to be loved and he wants to be honored. there are so many ways to honor (and even more ways to DIShonor) him. I have noticed that, the more I go out of my way to honor him, the more he naturally goes out of his way to show me love. I am amazed at how much power we women have in our marriages when we will bite the bullet and give our husbands the honor they crave, whether they deserve it or not. In time, I think that most of them will do their best to make sure that they do deserve it. Just my experience and my two cents!!!

10. Betsy Shaw Says:

September 19th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I always liked Olympia Dukakis’ philosophy on philandering men from the movie Moonstruck. “Why do men chase women?” “Because they fear death that’s why.”
And what of women who cheat? Why do they do it? Are their reasons different from mens’reasons.

11. Donna Wilson Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 6:07 am
I think it makes perfect sense and as a woman I felt the exact same way–my husband was giving me so little attention and appreciation that I was starving for it from any other source and almost had an affair. While they say you shouldn’t blame the other spouse, if you have nicely asked for changed, even pleaded for it, and you live without love and kindness, it isn’t a stretch to think that deprived person would be desiring positive input from another source.

12. amanda Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
i would agree with this line of argument if it were 1950 when the husband was the only one who worked… patting a man on the back for doing what he SHOULD do is ludicrous to me, especially when we live in a time period that basically ridicules any woman who isn’t “supermom.” why should women be made to feel inadequate if they’re not working a good job, cooking a great dinner, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, going to playdates and PTA meetings, and looking like a super model, but for men, just going to work and watching football is cause for such gratitude? if a husband is going to cheat because he doesn’t get enough attention– maybe he should get something else to do– like help his wife out with everything he does. let’s see if he has the energy to cheat after being her for a day!

13. Anonymous Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
I completely relate to all the women who said, “How are women supposed to be everything to everyone? When is it time for us to get our needs met?” My husband cheated on me when our baby was just one month old. It was a total shock because he was always so devoted to me and so excited to be a dad. Our baby had colic and it was such a shock to him how different the reality of having a baby was compared to his ideal vision. He got overwhelmed and felt ignored, so he went out one time, got drunk and cheated. He did say he felt like he wasn’t getting appreciated for a long time before she was born too.
He knows now how stupid and childish this idea is of feeling ignored. There are NO EXCUSES for cheating and he knows this now. He felt like a “scum bag” in his words for what he did and has tried very hard to make it up to us. He is a very devoted father now and was actually the primary caregiver while I went back to work full time when she was just 3 months old.
I can’t say it has been easy, but we are working through it. It has been very hard to forgive him, but I am trying because I know he is doing everything he can to show how sorry he is. He doesn’t want to loose his family. We read the book, “After the Affair” by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring. It was helpful along with counseling initially.
We are now working on the parts of our relationship that were broken before this happened, such as communication about how we are feeling and learning to interact positively and not bicker about things. We were going to counseling and now we are going to start back up again. More than anything, we are trying to overcome the difficult childhoods we ourselves had. I read the book “Toxic Parents” by Dr. Susan Forward and he is reading it too. That has helped me learn how not to repeat my parents patterns and thus, pass them onto my daughter in her relationships.
If you have been cheated on, I feel your pain. See if you can discover what kind of cheater he was (there are different types of affairs- such as the “Repeat offender” vs. the one time ‘I messed up big time’ cheater). Finding a good marriage counselor can help you identify this. Try not to torture yourself by replaying what you could have done differently- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! It was his mess up, NOT yours! Yes, there are things you can do to make your life together better and you should do them- BOTH of you. Hang in there. And if he does it again (and again), DUMP that LOSER and find a man that appreciates you.

14. Gina Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I don’t agree, every man is different; some just can’t help themselves. I used to give this ex of mine all attention, being the most supportive woman to him, being “too nice’. I found out later he cheated on me, but eventually we decided to give the relationship another try.
I wasn’t much into the relationship anymore, and did not give me NO attention when we got back together, amazingly he became a different person, always wanted to be there for me, feeling insecure that I would leave him.
I think some men just like the game, the less attention you give him, the more he’ll chase you around.

15. Heather Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Um….attention is kinda the reason, I guess. It would start out that way. But they choose to cheat. Instead of, I don’t know, talking to their spouse/significant other. It’s easier to get laid than to talk. That’s why. The need for attention may have sparked it, but when I’m not feeling noticed, I say something, not do someone.
Of course, there are people out there who cheat, and it has aboslutely nothing to do with attention or lack thereof. Either way, there is no excusing cheating. Ever. Unless you married an identical twin and didn’t know it, and they didn’t tell you first just to get you in trouble. And even then, you should know little idiocencricies about your partner and notice that it wasn’t him/her. So no exceptions. Nice try Neuman.

16. heather Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
My husband hasn’t cheated on me but I do have something to say about “men not getting enough attention”. i just went back to work about 2 months ago after being a SAHM for 2 years. while my husband worked(he’s not working right now), I took care of the kids and house(cook, clean). AND I took care of him. He had as much attention as the babies did. Now he takes care of the kids while I work but I take over caring for them while I’m at home. AND he still wants me to take care of him. I had no problem doing it when he was working but now it seems like alot of extra work for me to take care of him too. He even gets jealous, moody, and angry. We have been fighting alot lately and he even TOLD me that he isn’t getting enough attention. I think he needs to grow up and take care of himself and his kids. Is this wrong? No one takes care of me…But I’m not gonna cheat on him, and if he cheats on me I will not even listen to his reason/excuses.

17. mary Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
A cheat will cheat, no matter what is going on. A wife should never become a second mother to her husband.

18. Tiffany Says:

September 20th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Hi Ladies
I first want to start out by saying there is NO EXCUSE for cheating!!! BUT I agree that giving your man attention and stroking or petting his ego is very important. You can say what you like. My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs and are a/b to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversay next month. We have a very healthy relationship and have never experienced cheating on either end. I’m sure a lot of you may not like my 2 cents or like me after this blog and that’s fine, but I just want to help some of you who seem to have no idea what MARRIAGE and RELATIONSHIP is a/b! Now, I do agree with all of you to some extent b/c there are definitely times that I feel the same way you guys feel a/b him telling me he doesn’t have clean socks!! And most times my reponse is “well you better get to washing some then!” I take care of our home and our 3 girls full time(a 3YO and 10MO twins might I add) so needless to say I stay busy from the time I wake up til I go to bed which is usually not before 2am. I explain to him that I don’t get to clock out at the end of the “shift” like he does b/c my job is 24/7. My husband and I are best friends and we talk a/b everything no matter how big or small, we spend quality time together, and we share the responsibilties of our kids and chores in the house when he’s not working. So when I feel overwhelmed and burnt out, I let him know so he can step it up!! I watched the marriage of someone very close to me fall apart and I saw the same thing in her marriage that I hear from a lot of you! She would say how she didn’t have time to baby-sit him on top of all the other things she had to do all day, but now she’s on her way to divorce b/c she got tired of his cheating. “I take care of the kids and I work full time” and all of that is lovely. And BUT did you ever stop cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids long enough to consider that he may need some love and affection too?? You do stuff all day for your kids, but would you want to punch them in the face if they asked for clean socks? You work all day but do you neglect your children and tell them you’re too tired to give them love and affection when they need it? You know what a lot of women, like my friend, don’t understand is that taking care of your man and giving him attention is not always a/b all of those things you do for him like cooking, cleaning and laundry or sex for that matter. Those things are nice, and i’m sure he does appreciate them but it’s really a/b simply saying, “I love you. I appreciate you. Or Baby, you are the best car washer or grass cutter in the world.” Marriage is a/b give and take, UNCONDITIONAL love, caring and sharing, etc. To say the least, it is a FULL TIME JOB that needs just as much time, effort, and energy as all of those other things you’re doing all day everyday! All I’m saying is, just like Stacey said, the more she honors her husband the more he gives her what she needs. I also agree with her saying that there are a lot of temptations out there, so if you can help your marriage by giving him a little attention and affection, why not? He may not feel the urge to indulge in those temptations if he’s getting what he needs at home! Keep in mind that what YOU don’t do for him, there are plenty chicks out there lined up to do it for you! And they don’t care that he has a family at home! Sad, but true. Now understand that again I’m not saying that it is ok under ANY cicumstance for a man to cheat, but I always say that at least I know I did everything I could to satify him and keep him happy. So then I KNOW it would be his own sefishness and stupidity if mine decided to step out on me! A lot of you say “Well he can talk to his spouse instead of getting laid” but since you guys are sooooooo busy would you even have a minute to sit down and listen to him if he did have a prob and came to talk to you. OR how well do you even know him?? How does he handle everything else in his life? Is he always vocal a/b things or does he keep things bottled up? If he’s not a talker he may not tell you that there’s a problem. Would you even notice that something’s not right? Knowing your man, letting him know he can talk to you, and LISTENING to him is crutial to having a healthy relationship. Communication is key. Do you ever sit down to listen to even the smallest things he has to say? My husband comes home every morning (he works 3rd shift) and wants to tell me a/b all that crap that goes on at his job like I really care. But I listen and act like it’s the most interesting stuff i’ve every heard. It simply keeps the lines of communication open, makes him comfortable talking to me and let’s him know that i’m always ready and willing to listen. That way he knows he can talk to me a/b other things too. I know that we get frustrated sometimes but I promise you that if you make an effort to focus on him a little more, you’ll be amazed at his response. He’ll be saying “Let me get for you, Honey.” or “Why don’t you go out today and do something for you.” OR “Let’s call the sitter so we can spend some quality time together tonight.” I’m a living witness!! I just want to suggest some things helped my marriage and more so, me and my negative attitudes toward my husband when I wanted to punch him in the face. (See i’ve been there too, lol). PRAYER and two GREAT books; Understand Your Man by Tim LaHaye and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I don’t want to pretend that I have it all together and never needed any help. It is only God that helps me have the marriage that I have today.

19. Jenna Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 1:09 am
I think that it is very interesting to have the research on the topic, from the source, men who have cheated. What I think it really comes down to is respect. Even if you feel that you are not getting something out of the relationship, such as enough praise and thanks for things that you do, then you need to tell your partner about it. What is marriage without communication? There must be a moment that you can say, wait this is going down a road that it shouldn’t, that I shouldn’t. And then see how did I get here. If I am feeling this way, I need to be open with my spouse. It just shows such a lack of respect for your wife/husband to check out of the marriage.

20. Jenny Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 4:25 am
I agree with the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman…awesome book! Just makes you aware of certain things in a marriage that can easily be overlooked. I was telling my husband about the Oprah show and he said that not getting enough attention is a cop out for men. I totally agree. I think it goes both ways. Women can also feel very neglected with their husbands working late and not getting the appreciation they deserve. I think some people (men and women) will cheat and others won’t. However anyone that is going to make the excuse of “My wife didn’t give me enough attention” is completely weak and worthless. In my opinion, if your spouses isn’t giving you enough attention, sit back and look at the whole picture..what could you do to help out..why is your spouse distracted..talk to your spouse. This is common sense! Marriage is a wonderful thing and should be respected and cherised…unfortunately some people do not take their vows seriously and when the going gets tough…they bail. Its so very sad.

21. Nicole Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 9:34 am
I dont think we have to “pet their ego” or praise them for going to work. I think if we as women let our men know we love them and want to be with them (unless they are a compulsive cheater) things should be fine.
My hubby and I make dates. We take a day off work, send the kids to the sitter, and go to lunch and a movie.
For me knowing I am loved and wanted is more important than being praised for every little thing (that would get annoying).

22. Candace Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I will get a lot of flack for this, I’m sure. I truly believe that men who cheat, cheat because they arent getting something physically, sexually, emotionally. Whether you’ve “let yourself go”, not affectionate, or pay more attention to the kids. I’m not saying all men cheat because they are not treated right because surely that is not the case. However, when we signed up to be mothers and wives we knew we would have to satisfy both requirements. I get busy with taking care of an infant, full time college student, driving an hour to help my grandma, laundry, making food, grocery shopping but my husband always deserves to have his “de stress” time (which is love making). I would not feel like I was doing my duty as a loving wife if I was not fulfilling him in that way. At least I would not have ANY regrets about how I pampered him and treated him how he was suppose to be treated.

23. Mimi Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I’d like to see the day there’s a book that lectures men about how they need to take better care of their wives… more attention, more satisfying their needs, more helping out around the house… using the one or two free hours in their busy daily schedule to cater to their wives’ happiness and not their own. I’d like to see a special on that: how can men be better husbands, to keep their wives happy and relaxed?
Until then, excuse me if my response is: oh, PLEASE…

24. southerngirl Says:

September 21st, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I have to agree with mimi she took the words right out of my mouth.

25. Melissa Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 am
No excuse for cheating- whatsoever. That being said, OH it is such a CHORE to stroke my hubby’s ego.—-Wait a minute, no it’s not. All it takes is a couple of seconds here and there throuout the day, and he feels like superman. And it comes back around. Plus, my marriage is definately worth it. Isn’t yours?

26. andrea Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 2:16 am
lol I read this to my husband and he said if I gave him that much attention he would be annoyed and he likes his space.(I do too) He would rather spend time watching a Dodger’s game than be cheating. He is kind of a goof ball and said,” I can barely handle getting in trouble and yelled at by my wife,why would I want another headache. Don’t get married if you are going to cheat.”

27. Jill Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 6:44 am
My husband cheated… we were (are) having problems in our marriage, stemming from a lot of things. Since then, while I stayed with him, I find his behaviour has not changed. He is still on the same chat site- which I wouldn’t mind as I am on the same one to stay in contact with friends and make new ones, difference being that I point out from the beginning that I am married and committed- I’m not so sure he does the same. He is allowed to use my phone when and how he pleases, I am not allowed to do the same with his phone- he goes so far as to lock his phone applications so that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.
I feel that I do give him attention, I try to show him affection, which he rejects. He has not told me he loves me in… I’m guessing about three years. I would be okay with this if he at least showed me that he loved me, but all I get from him is contempt. I am constantly made to feel that I am to blame- not in what he says but in how he treats me. I honestly feel that I mean nothing to him.
And with all of that, I have not cheated and will not cheat. That is not to say that I haven’t had the opportunity, but I chose and choose not to. So while I understand that feeling unappreciated may make you feel the “need” to cheat, the choice is still yours to make whether to actually do it or not. It all depends on which means more to you- a moment with someone else or a lifetime with your family. I CHOOSE THE LATTER!

28. Lynnsey Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 10:29 am
A man, who is usually truthful and insightful about these things, once told me that men cheat because they have the opportunity to do so…that it has almost nothing to do with the quality of the woman he has or her affection/attention/amazing sexual prowess/fantastic cooking. They don’t do it with hurting her in mind, they do it with “getting theirs” in mind. I think he’s right. I think women believe that it’s because men aren’t getting what they need because that’s why we would cheat. It’s easier for us to believe that they cheat because they need something else that they’re not getting from us.

29. Anonymous Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 am
The article on Oprah’s site really made me think. It said that initiating sex for them is like getting flowers would be for us. I’ve been complaining for a while that I never get flowers…. I also never initiate sex. That gave me something to think about. And Jill, wow I wish your situation was better, but I have to say, you’ve made me think about mine a little more. my husband has been driving me crazy with his procrastination and the fact that he spends $400 a month on cigarettes when our financial situation is pretty rocky. And yet, he tells me every day that he loves me. He really is great, and thanks to all of you (Tiffany - loved your post) for making me realize that if i treat him the way he deserves, his behavior might change for the better. Maybe the fact that i nag him about spending all that money, and i constantly nag him about not helping me around the house are actually the reasons that he doesn’t do well in those areas. I am telling you girls, I am turning over a new leaf and I will be initiating something tonight!!!! Thanks! And as for Jill or situations like that, maybe there are some men who are just going to cheat, and maybe some marriages do need to end. For the rest of us, didn’t we marry him thinking he was great? Where and why did we lose that? Thanks Melissa - My marriage IS worth it.

30. Anonymous Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
Oh and Mimi - yes they do need a book like that. Hopefully some woman will have the time to write it….. somehow i doubt that! LOL

31. Kristina Sauerwein Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Interesting comments, ladies. I feel the same way as so many of you. I keep going back and forth on the issue. I did try more complimenting this past weekend and I don’t know if it soaked thru.
Jill, (#27), I’m so sorry for your situation. I wish you didn’t feel like you were to blame for his behavior, because that’s so not true. Have you tried couseling? Even if he won’t go, it might help YOU to just talk about stuff?
Mimi, (#23), I’d like to see a book on that too. But there probably won’t be one written because not as many guys buy those types of books like women do.

32. Yolanda Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
there is no reason for a man to cheat. sometimes i feel that he does not appreciate me so does that mean i can go out and cheat.Men need to step up and grow a pair and appreciate the good thing they have at home. and if they feel teh need to cheat then it will definitely be over.

33. Amber Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I have been Cheated on by my ex to many times (thats partly why he is an ex). I spoiled that man, gave him a child, washed his clothes, made his meals, raised our child, and told him EVERYDAY that I loved him and appreciated him and all his hard work. All of that while being a full time college student and working a full time night shift job. What happend? I rubed his back and feet and spoiled him every day some way or another only to find him cheating on me anyway. I thought I gave him everything, I even kept the house so clean that you could eat off the floor. I juggled everything and satisfied him in every way possible(even sexually on a nightly bases)! I was cheated on because he felt unappreciated? B.S!!!! Needless to say, he is an ex and I have learned my lesson in how to treat a man! I am not against showing a little extra love to your significant other but like the others have said, Most men need to GROW UP, we have plenty of other things to worry about and if we want another CHILD to take care of, then we will have one instead of being married to one. By the way, Women have a pair, they aren’t below the waist, they are on our chest and much prettier too! My Husband now compleatly agrees with me, I spoiled him twice this week, taking him out to dinner and to get a massage with me, I tell him thank you for all his work and such, and he does the same for me but, never again will I be walked all over by a man, and I hate that this is being used as an excuse for Cheating. If I would have cheated on him due to lack of appreciation he would have not excussed it or over looked it or even appologized for it! He would have been telling me to get the heck ot and not to come back! Isn’t it funny how Men have huge doubble standards when it comes to things they can do but thier spoces can’t?!?!??!?

34. Kathryn Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Tiffany - Great Post! When my DH and I got married 2 years ago, our pastor asked me to read a book by Dr. Laura Sleshlinger (I didn’t come close to spelling her last name right!). And although I didn’t agree, and neither did he, with a lot of what she said in that book, there were a lot of good points, many of which you pointed out in your post. Even after two years of marriage to a very independent man, he even does his own laundry, does the dishes, mows the lawn, works full time and goes to school part time, there are still things that I’m learning about marriage…I don’t believe that my husband would ever step out on me, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure if it happens (God forbid) that it’s not because I was the type of wife who couldn’t even thank my husband for rubbing my back while I threw up in our front yard at 10 weeks prego! And yes, that happened just last night! Someone made a comment about initiating sex is like when they bring us home flowers…he may not bring me home flowers, but he does most of the chores at home…same thing…I’ll be initiating more sex from now on! I will also be reading those books that you mentioned. God Bless!

35. Tiffany Says:

September 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Hi again Ladies,
Thanks to those of you who appreciated my post. This is one of my favorite subjects!! Kathryn, I haven’t read that book that you’re talking a/b but if you can email me at tyvan2@yahoo.com the name of the book I will look for it. I’m always up for a good read even though I don’t have much time these days. Also congrats on your little one!! Is this your first? It sounds like you landed a good one(wink). God bless your marriage and your new addition. If you ever need any advice or other good books to read don’t hesitate to use that email.
Anonymous (#29) & Melissa: I love your outlook! Great posts! #29, Situations like yours can be tough and we do have a tendency to nag but give it time, Girl, I’m sure with your attitude things will work out just fine!
Jill and Amber: I’m sorry you guys had to experience your situations. My first post was really in resp to the ones who acted like it was such a chore to love and respect your husband, but your situations are different. It sounds like you guys did and are doing everything you can to please these guys. God bless you and your husband Jill. I hope everything works out for you two. And Amber i’m glad you found someone who knows how to love and appreciate his gift-You!

36. Jill Says:

September 23rd, 2008 at 10:09 am
Thank you for your support ladies.
Kristina, firstly I know I’m not to blame, he just tries to make me feel that way. Secondly- I am a certified counsellor, I think sometimes self analysis is the only way I cope!
I think I maybe should’ve added that while things are better than they were a year ago, it is still not the way it was before we were married, and that’s the part that hurts. That was the person that told me that he loved me whenever he felt like it, would rush home from wherever he was because I was waiting for him at home… that’s the person I want back, and I sometimes wonder if I ever will get him back.
But I still know (hope) that all is not lost which is why I stay. And of course as far as I know for sure he has only cheated once, and once can be forgiven, I think… there’s just all this other ((stuff)) that goes along with it that needs to be sorted out.
Tiffany, I personally didn’t take any offence in what you said… but I generally don’t take offence with anything! Thank you for the blessing.